This is the face of a sad girl trying to smile so she doesn’t look so sad. For the last hour at my desk, I’ve been choked up and tearing up and trying to rein it in, as I’ve been chatting with Steve and my best friend Amy about how low I feel right now.
I thought I was on the right track. I started the day off feeling so much brighter and more hopeful. Then I got here and stuffed myself so full of coffee cake I felt vomity for a couple of hours.
This is ridiculous. It’s insanity.
I spent five weeks with no sugar, which also meant no bingeing, and I was extremely happy, clear-headed, fit and strong. My self-image was at an all-time high.
Now, I have spent the last 12 days eating way more sugar than one person ever should (SERIOUSLY, I can’t even begin to detail it) and feeling disgusting, sick, and lethargic. I'm sure it's why I am sleeping badly, why my strength work has dropped again, why I feel like I can't run more than a couple of miles and have hit a mental wall, why I feel unattractive and like a gross blob.
I have to stop eating sugar again. It has to be for good this time.
I know it’s different for everyone. I know maybe the fact that I have zero control makes me weak or damaged or broken somehow. Fine. I’ll live with those labels if it means I don’t have to live with this cycle of worthlessness, depression, fear and shame, as every day I wake up and say to myself “I need to stop doing this” and every night I turn right back around and do it all over again. Repeat repeat repeat. Just like with alcohol. FOR ME, it’s the same. The same. Acutely, painfully the same.
Day One. Again.