1. image: Download

    This is the face of a sad girl trying to smile so she doesn’t look so sad. For the last hour at my desk, I’ve been choked up and tearing up and trying to rein it in, as I’ve been chatting with Steve and my best friend Amy about how low I feel right now.
I thought I was on the right track. I started the day off feeling so much brighter and more hopeful. Then I got here and stuffed myself so full of coffee cake I felt vomity for a couple of hours.
This is ridiculous. It’s insanity.
I spent five weeks with no sugar, which also meant no bingeing, and I was extremely happy, clear-headed, fit and strong. My self-image was at an all-time high.
Now, I have spent the last 12 days eating way more sugar than one person ever should (SERIOUSLY, I can’t even begin to detail it) and feeling disgusting, sick, and lethargic. I'm sure it's why I am sleeping badly, why my strength work has dropped again, why I feel like I can't run more than a couple of miles and have hit a mental wall, why I feel unattractive and like a gross blob.
I have to stop eating sugar again. It has to be for good this time.
I know it’s different for everyone. I know maybe the fact that I have zero control makes me weak or damaged or broken somehow. Fine. I’ll live with those labels if it means I don’t have to live with this cycle of worthlessness, depression, fear and shame, as every day I wake up and say to myself “I need to stop doing this” and every night I turn right back around and do it all over again. Repeat repeat repeat. Just like with alcohol. FOR ME, it’s the same. The same. Acutely, painfully the same.
Day One. Again.

    This is the face of a sad girl trying to smile so she doesn’t look so sad. For the last hour at my desk, I’ve been choked up and tearing up and trying to rein it in, as I’ve been chatting with Steve and my best friend Amy about how low I feel right now.

    I thought I was on the right track. I started the day off feeling so much brighter and more hopeful. Then I got here and stuffed myself so full of coffee cake I felt vomity for a couple of hours.

    This is ridiculous. It’s insanity.

    I spent five weeks with no sugar, which also meant no bingeing, and I was extremely happy, clear-headed, fit and strong. My self-image was at an all-time high.

    Now, I have spent the last 12 days eating way more sugar than one person ever should (SERIOUSLY, I can’t even begin to detail it) and feeling disgusting, sick, and lethargic. I'm sure it's why I am sleeping badly, why my strength work has dropped again, why I feel like I can't run more than a couple of miles and have hit a mental wall, why I feel unattractive and like a gross blob.

    I have to stop eating sugar again. It has to be for good this time.

    I know it’s different for everyone. I know maybe the fact that I have zero control makes me weak or damaged or broken somehow. Fine. I’ll live with those labels if it means I don’t have to live with this cycle of worthlessness, depression, fear and shame, as every day I wake up and say to myself “I need to stop doing this” and every night I turn right back around and do it all over again. Repeat repeat repeat. Just like with alcohol. FOR ME, it’s the same. The same. Acutely, painfully the same.

    Day One. Again.

     
    1. strengthpluslace said: Hugs!
    2. espressoandendorphins said: Hugs. Sorry you are feeling this way!
    3. milesofbooks said: Better “Day One. Again” than “I give up.”
    4. sarahsrunningbucketlist said: I know the feeling, but it’s temporary. You’re still the same person you were a few weeks ago. Look at the big picture and how far you have come. Don’t get caught up on the little bumps along the way. There are always bumps. You’ll feel good again.
    5. livelaughyoga said: Fall down 7… GET UP 8:) you are absolutely amazing and so inspiring to all of us.
    6. happyfitrunnergirl said: I so related to your post. I get caught up in a viscous cycle myself at times. I think you are pretty darn amazing. Stay strong focus and get back to what you know makes you feel good.
    7. lizcorre said: We all have weaknesses. They just come in different forms. You’re not broken, you’re human.
    8. runwrite said: You have such strength in knowing yourself and discipline to move forward with what you know works for you. You inspire me.
    9. snap-eat-love said: Ditto all the previous comments! You are SO strong and amazing. Your reflections are so insightful and you will just keep iterating on your journey! It’s not just about one day or one action — you are building health in SO many amazing ways.
    10. weightandwit said: You can do this. I have so many things I want to say, because you have always been the blog I turn to when I think the health and the fitness and the general wellness isn’t worth it. But I think what matters most is YOU CAN DO THIS.
    11. sainttaco said: Hang in there. You’re none of those thing. Take it one day at a time
    12. auspiciouspatti said: I always know day one (even if it is again) is the best day. I know its what I want, and I will do it. You are strong. I am here for you if you need me :)
    13. thatsminethankyou said: You’ve done it before, you’ll do it again. I have no doubt in you. You’re a strong person for even recognizing how it affects you and the steps you need to put in place to feel like you again. Positive vibes being sent your way!
    14. katiegirlchasesinfinity said: You are NOT weak! Maybe you face challenges, but you’ve recognized them and it sounds like you’re gearing up to fight them. You are so strong and beautiful, inside and out. I wish i could give you a big hug right now!
    15. rasmtazberry24 said: Your the strongest person I know I don’t think there is anything your not capable of succeeding at. You have totally taken on every challenge and passed with flying colors. This one will be no different.
    16. amyfindsbalance said: I’m so sorry to hear how sad you are. Big hugs to you! This is just a bump in the road. You’re a badass, and can get through this. I believe it, so should you :)
    17. alliegets said: You’re not weak or damaged or broken. You’re a person. Think of the things you would say to one of us if we posted this and say them to yourself. <3
    18. bibbermanblack said: Hang in there!
    19. angeldrinkstea said: Sending you love vibes. Bingeing, eating “too” much, anything with food.. none of it has to do with your self worth. None of it should make you feel less.
    20. macindy said: :( *hugs* no gray area though? I don’t think I could cut out something completely. It’s taken me a few years to learn moderation n I still have off days but for the most part, I can stay sane w a little dark chocolate every day.
    21. chelsearuns said: You are not weak or damaged. You’re a beautiful human being-and the fact that you work so hard towards doing what is best for you is so admirable. No one will be perfect. But you strive to better yourself daily and that is what matters. *hug* :)
    22. karikeepsrunning said: Love you, girl.
    23. thehomecookrunner said: ((HUGS)) I just sent you a pic of me wearing my yellow shirt today in the hope it would make you smile. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I know you can do this. If you can quit drinking you can quit sugar.
    24. sarahspeaksnow said: <3
    25. fromlazytolively said: Sending lots of love your way! The girl at your all time high, that’s still you. You can get back to that. And you have refused to give up which is a victory in itself! You got this. We’re all here for you the whole way! Ups and downs!!💕💕
    26. happyhealthycook posted this